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I wonder if when I read through these one year from now, what my life will be like. I wonder who will be in it, what will I have done with my time on this Earth, and if I will have made the most of my life. I feel almost selfish for feeling the way I do right now. I know there are people going through much worse. I am sure that somewhere right now someone is starving, yet I am not. I’m sure someone is cold and has no way to get warm, I do. I’m positive someone has lost someone they love, whether by tragedy or be heartbreak. Yet here I am… Selfishly wishing for something I don’t have right now. I look back and wonder “what if I had done THAT differently?” so I suppose in some ways, that means I regret. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy, honored and proud to be where I’m at today… But there’s just certain aspects of my life, as I’m sure we all have, that I wish I would have made better choices with. I’ve grown so much as a person and into a man who I can only hope will continue to make my family and friends proud. Yet something isn’t right. As much as I’d love to admit that i have a good life. The closest thing I’ve had to clearing my head is just an escape with some friends for a maximum of a few hours at a time. Everything I’ve ever wanted and more was within reach it seemed and then out of nowhere, it was gone. I have so many friends who tell me “single is so much better” but really, at night when you’re laying in bed alone… Are you stoked there’s not someone amazing right there with you? I can be the first to admit I would love nothing more than to have that one person in my life who understands me, appreciates me and loves me for who I am. I’m not talking about what I’ve had, or what I thought I had even. But something real. Is it possible that love doesn’t exist? I mean true love? I’ve seen so many people writing about how it doesn’t, or how they have given up and even from the one I would love to share it with doubting it’s truth. Is everything I believe in and hope for and feel a fantasy? I don’t know. I’ve thought I’ve loved, deeper than anything I knew at the time. Only to be betrayed. But then again, that really couldn’t have been love. If this is what you call a fantasy, so be it. I’m CHOOSING to believe what I know. Which is that no matter what has led up to this moment, I wouldn’t trade how you make me feel for anything past or present. I wish you could say you felt the same, but then that brings about another question. I’ve heard my whole life that it can be “the right person wrong time” scenario. Is that real?? Obviously in all of life there are extremes. For instance, my grandparents meeting as teenagers falling in love and being married to this day almost 60 years later. And then there’s stories of people like in the movies… Let’s say the Notebook since that is a popular one. He wouldn’t give up. He knew the moment he met her she was the one. Is that possible? Is that how I feel? Is this real?? I don’t know. All I can say is knowledge is based off of our life experiences, and based off of my experiences there’s never been something so real that I feel throughout my entire body. So if this is my fantasy, I want it to be my final one. I am gonna torture myself to the point of no return possibly in hopes of pursuing this. I am going to have days where I’m strong, and days where I’m weak. I’ll have days where I feel on top of the world .Is that love? Don’t you want to believe in love? I do. Ask yourself this:
